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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  April 8, 2013 6:55pm-7:25pm PDT

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that bit might be our waterworld. that's a reference to a very expensive flop. be sure you follow me on twitter, so we can live chat during the shows. keep up with our daily blog over at tosh.comedycentral.com, and come see me on the tosh tour on ice. finally it's time for the unfortunate domain names of the week. first up, we have twofingerpussydance.com. okay, that sounds vulgar, but it's actually just a site where you learn how to massage a cat. it's very informative, so get your mind out of the gutter. our next one is... guys, that is a real site. grow up. this show is intended for a mature audience, and right now you are proving otherwise. it's a site for the chesterfield dam and landscaping company, serving eastern iowa for over 25 years with the finest in landscaping modification. well, now fillmywet stinkyholewithyourlog.com
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makes perfect sense. and finally we have... see, come on. that can't-- it's sites like that that are dangerous. they just promote hate. what? it's an ice cream shop just outside of corpus christi? that is the most unfortunate domain i've ever heard. what is that? $1.99 for a triple scoop... unlimited toppings? whew. bargains like that, you're gonna attract a very specific clientele that will overlook your highly offensive website. all right. i want the show to be over now. good night. [cheers and applause] [eagle caw] >> stephen: tonight, an alternative to obamacare. good news: everything is covered in-network. [laughter] bad news: the network is nbc.
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[laughter] then, a new way to celebrate earth day. if you're a planet, you won't want to miss it. [laughter] and my guest, sigourney weaver, is starring in a new broadway show based on chekhov. i didn't know she was in "star trek!" [laughter] this is not "the colbert report." april fools-- this is "the colbert report." [cheers and applause] ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen]
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thank you so much. thank you very much. thank you very much. [cheers and applause] thank you. excellent job. for just a moment there folks, it looked like you were about to drop the ball in mid juggle but you got it back. [laughter] good to have you with us, everybody. folks, i hope you all had a blessed easter, full of chocolate bunnies and chocolate eggs and chocolate hams. [laughter] i didn't enjoy easter this year. and neither did this friend of mine named jesus. [laughter] tell 'em why, fox. >> a growing controversy this hour for google. >> the search engine giant chooses to celebrate labor leader cesar chavez with one of their famous doodles on sunday. >> some christians are upset at google now because, in fact, they're calling for a boycott. they decided to honor cesar chavez instead of honoring easter.
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what were they thinking? [laughter] >> stephen: what, what were they thinking? honoring the founder of the united farm workers who said, "the truest act of courage is to sacrifice yourself for others." that has nothing to do with jesus' core message of jelly beans and plastic grass! [laughter] [cheers and applause] why this break with tradition? it doesn't make sense. google has always honored easter, every single-- once 13 years ago. [laughter] and they clearly haven't learned their lesson because today they went back to their regular logo instead of honoring april first as the feast day of saint melito of sardis, who died a eunuch. i don't need to tell you. [laughter] it would have been so easy to honor him. [laughter] [cheers and applause]
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and doodle-gate isn't the only scandal i found in my basket. this is easter under attack. ♪ pope edition! folks, i was willing to give pope francis a chance, but it's been two weeks. [laughter] and there's been one insult to tradition after another. first, the night he was chosen, pope francis emerged wearing a simple white cassock, instead of the traditional ermine-trimmed velvet mozzetta. [laughter] come on! are you the vicar of christ, or the spokesman for linens 'n' things? [laughter] now benedict knew how to rock it! i say you're not really the head
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of the catholic church unless you look like you're in a liberace cover band! [laughter] but il papa saved his biggest insult for easter weekend. >> there's already been one substantive change that has annoyed traditionalists: the way he included two women in a holy week ceremony representing the moment when christ washed the feet of his 12 disciples-- all men. >> some church conservatives say the change sets a bad example. >> some are saying why were there women there? >> stephen: yeah, why were there women there? [laughter] it was re-enacting a event from the new testament. and there are no women in the gospels. [laughter] it's a common mistranslation. jesus was actually born of the virgin murray. [laughter]
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so get it together, your holiness. bust out the bedazzler and lose the ladies. or so help me, i will continue to obey whatever you say. [laughter] folks, every day more and more freeloaders are sucking at the government teat. which is especially troubling since uncle sam is a dude. that's not even counting obamacare which takes effect in less than eight months. do you realize what this means? if you go to the emergency room now, you'll be covered by the time you finally see a doctor. [laughter] [cheers and applause] we're all very angry. [ laughter ] now, obamacare raises eligibility for medicaid to 133% of the poverty line, allowing it to cover 30 million more americans by 2022. thirty million medical moochers. [laughter]
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to put that in perspective, if you laid them all end to end, they would stretch to canada, which is where they should move if they want free healthcare! [cheers and applause] house republicans have done their part. they have voted to repeal obamacare 39 times. one more and they get free healthcare for life. [laughs] just kidding. they get that now. [laughter] and here's obama's trap. the feds are picking up 100% of the cost of each state's medicaid expansion until 2017. but then, over the next four years, the percentage the feds pay plunges all the way down to 90%. [laughter] by then, your state is hooked like a diabetic jonesing for his insulin fix. oh, they love it. get help, junkie! [laughter] luckily, republican governors aren't falling for it, like
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tennessee governor bill haslam. under obamacare, 180,000 people from tennessee wol be added to his state's medicaid or tenncare program but haslam said no, explaining, "a lot of people say, 'hey, that's an easy call. just expand three years 100% and then walk away at that point in time.' i don't think you can easily walk away. no. do you know how heartbreaking it is to tell someone they're no longer getting healthcare? it's so much kinder to just tell them they're never getting healthcare. [laughter] besides, the governor is confident that tennessee can go it alone, because tennessee already has a great plan for getting affordable healthcare to the those who need it: a health care lottery. twice a year, residents who have
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high medical bills and who wouldn't be eligible for tenncare can call a state phone line and request an application, but they need to do it quick, because the line shuts down after 2,500 calls-- typically within an hour. yes, for one hour, twice a year a few lucky people are allowed to live. [laughter] i think we've got some footage. >> come on down! [cheers and applause] >> stephen: don't forget. please spay or neuter your poor. [laughter] now since the line is only open for an hour, would-be applicants are encouraged to use multiple phones, and to dial and dial and dial. [laughter] yes, keep calling! and if you do get through, make sure you shout "tennessee tenncare has all the healthcare hits!" and you'll win two tickets to see your dermatologist live at the bourbon blues and boogie bar!
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[laughter] of course, if you miss the window to call in, don't worry, you can still get medical assistance by speaking to nurse brandi for only $2.99 a minute. she's very thorough. [laughter] and it is a self scam -- self exam. [cheers and applause] nation, i love this healthcare lottery. it finally adds some suspense to that old, boring question: "will i see tomorrow?" [laughter] we should do this everywhere. every state can introduce something different. maybe a new line of scratch-off surgery tickets. it's fun! here re go. collapsed lung. [ laughter ] collapsed lung! clogged artery. damn! well, better luck next time if
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there is one. [ laughter ] and to cover skyrocketing drug costs, we'll have a prescription booth! [laughter] grab as many as you can in 30 seconds! who knows, one of them might cure you. and the others might get you high. [cheers and applause] now will these healthcare lotteries help everyone? no. but if you don't get the care you need, there is a backup plan. you'll automatically be entered in a different lottery. if you get the black dot, all your problems are over. [laughter] we'll be right back. [cheers and applause]
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[cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you so much. [cheers and applause] thanks. folks, if you watch this show, you know i love the. >> [ laughter ] if you ask me, it's the greatest planet in the whole world. [cheers and applause] and the earth is filled with valuable treasure from oil, to coal, to those weird lumpy things they make potato chips out of. [laughter] still, i've never been a fan of earth day and it's hippie dippy kumbaya orgy of drum-circle-jerks. [laughter] that's why i'm so happy the utah department of natural resources
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is celebrating earth day by sponsoring a poster contest for kids. the theme: "where would we be without oil, gas & mining?" [laughter] it makes perfect sense. it's the same way we celebrate president's day by having kids dress up like john wilkes booth! [laughter] and the contest judges are bound to know their stuff, because it's co-sponsored by the society of petroleum engineers. children are a precious resource, and if anyone knows how to exploit a resource, it's a petroleum engineer. [laughter] now, some less-advanced students may not see the connection between earth day and the use of non-renewable petrochemicals. so the contest guide offers a few helpful examples, such as "we use mined materials and petroleum products every day -- gasoline, cars, computers, and skateboards." [laughter]
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yes, where would we be without america's vital skateboard mining industry? [laughter] but remember kids, when being creative, it's always important to follow a rigid set of rules. according to the rules your drawing must be a two-dimensional drawing or painting, it must be 11 by 17 inches, and most importantly do not use glitter! [laughter] [cheers and applause] okay? good thinking. glitter can be a real mess. [laughter] you spill that stuff and it is impossible to clean up. total disaster. [cheers and applause] and god forbid it gets on any wildlife. there's no sadder sight than a glitter-soaked pelican. [laughter]
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i had an accident at a craft fair in '98 and i still have a bad case of disco lung. [coughs] [laughter] x#y.n@-x4j#66"db
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my guest tonight is starring in a new broadway play. i wonder what disney movie it's adapted from. please welcome sigourney weaver. [cheers and applause] >> ms. weaver nice to meet you. thank you for coming on. naturally i'm an enormous fan. >> thank you and viers vice versa. >> stephen: really? >> enormous and tall, too. i think i'm more of an enormous fan than you. >> stephen: what do you top out at? >> seven four. >> stephen: not in the navi costume. >> i'm five 11. >> stephen: me, too, we should dance sometime. >> i'd enjoy that. >> stephen: tony academy awards nominated, golden globe winner. people know from your huge movies alien, avatar, your
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ghostbusters. >> now a playbill. >> stephen: a critically lauded. i have a at that timed play bill because we went to see it fantastic play called "vanya and sonia and masha and spike" which i originally thought were the ninja turtles. turns out not. [ laughter ] why would you want to do theater? you are a movie star, aren't you slumming here? [laughter] >> i play a very glamorous movie star in the play. >> stephen: was that a stretch? >> it was a big stretch to play such a deeply shallow person as masha is. >> stephen: you are not in the tabloid rags. >> i'm in flasher move -- slashers movies i'm in science fiction. >> stephen: a huge difference because in your movies the blood
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spurts out of unexpected parts of body. >> yes not all orifices. >> stephen: who could take who in a fight an alien or navi? >> interesting spinoff. >> stephen: i have a script right here. is it tough being if a play after doing movies? don't you want to do a one and a half minute scene and wait in your trailer for six hours until the next scene? >> yes, and just east chocolates? >> stephen: for the whole time? >> yes, but you can only do that so many years and then you have to make an honest living. i'm working with the wostled david hyde pierce. >> stephen: and your old friend christopher durange who wrote this? >> how would one resist the lure of broadway? >> stephen: i was slightly disappointed that there weren't dancing candlesticks in this one
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and i i was worried i wouldn't get it because air smart actress? >> am i? >> stephen: yeah, you radiate intelligence? >> do i? >> stephen: i find that intimidating. >> i'm delighted to hear that. >> stephen: that and the height. i fooled you then. >> stephen: you are not only a superstar -- >> that's fine. [ laughter ] >> stephen: a renowned actress is you are from a hollywood family, your dad, pat weaver started the tonight show, right? >> yes, did he. >> stephen: did you know those guys steve allen or jack parr, did you meet them as a kid? >> i did. i have home movies of myself with -- not steve allen but art linkletter. i did meet them. they were around. i think did he -- you know, he loved to come in and do live television and so, i think it was a great -- a great life meeting all those people and working with them so closely.
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>> stephen: do you think johnny would have liked me? >> absolutely. [ laughter ] >> stephen: really? >> without question. >> stephen: that's nice of you to say. >> he would have loved this show. >> stephen: really? >> he would have respected your views as a pundit. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: speaking of respecting, you also are -- you have been playing a female secretary of state on split can animals. >> that's right. >> stephen: you dabbled playing someone in politics earlier this year. >> it cured me steencht real >> it didn't make you want to good into politics at all? >> it was very exciting to play someone in washington who actually gets things done. [laughter] that was fun. [ laughter ] i think that we certainly need more female energy in washington. [cheers and applause]
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and speaking from their hearts with strong moral come passes and changes things and finding solutions instead of going to ideologicallenlen or corners. >> stephen: are you a political person. are you one of the hollywood elites with signs say nothing nukes, bring down saddam. have you marched in the streets and burned your bra and all that stuff? >> um, i have marched in the streets steencht you have. >> as i'm sure you have. >> stephen: i hire people to march in the streets for me. [ laughter ] >> i'm available. >> stephen: thank you very much. [ laughter ] >> stephen: this say question i have to ask. >> oh, dear. >> stephen: as a journalist i have to ask it. >> okay. >> stephen: it's a tough one. we'll end with this one right
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now. >> all right. >> stephen: who are you gonna call? [cheers and applause] thank you so much for joining me. the play is "vanya and sonia and masha and spike"
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